The biggest burger in the world ever

Last night, after dinner out with friends, I washed my hands as soon as I got home. Something wasn’t right. I showered. Something still wasn’t right. I smelt like burger.

I think I still smell like burger today.

I ate the biggest burger in the world ever last night. After months of saying I want to – I finally visited The Dogs Bollocks last night. I arrived there shortly after 6 to ensure I didn’t miss out on the limited quantity burgers (I was only a little late as I had to circle the block at least three times before I found a spot to park. Eventually up on the pavement. You know. As you do in a one way).

I knew it was in an alley, but it literally is between two buildings and in an alley. It’s gorgeous. And by gorgeous I don’t mean the cupcake vintage precious gorgeous. I just mean – its unique and cool. Hipster cool. In fact, I alsmot arrived on my bicycle, but then I remembered I really wasn’t a hipster and I only wear a scarf when I’m cold. And it was cold, its an alley afterall. And loud (I really am getting old). But we were excited, we were in for one-of-a-kind burgers. But first, drinks.

Not wanting to be a wine snob (especially with the bridesmaid and her Marc – with a c) a bottle of red wine at R60 sounded like a good plan. Even if it was unlabelled. And fridge-cold. Although I was almost stumped when the glasses were  tumblers, I was grateful that they were at least glass. Even the bridesmaid looked confused.

Now for the menu. Crazily-named burgers (ok not that crazy) with a guessing game for  descriptions on a blackboard next to a set of rules (are we supposed to obey these? I didn’t read them. I’m not good at rules. Or reading off a blackboard I guess). I opted for something easy and self-explanatory (Cheese, bacon and bbq). Marc (with a c) and I got of lightly. Mark and the bridesmaid, well – they went with a very slopping New Yorker and a Mexican something or other.

The dogs bollocks burger
Dogs Bollocks burgers. Not for sissies

The biggest burgers in the world ever arrived. Or rather were yelled to be collected (yelled, over the music that was loud – gawd I’m getting old aren’t I?) They were incredible. Incredibly big, ridiculously layered with a full lettuce head I’m sure, and made us laugh uncontrollably as we all attempted to eat our dinner. And even more so when we glanced at the table of hipsters next to us who had brought their parents along for an experience. When their burgers arrived they laughed too!

Full. Overwhelmed. Dripping with burger juice, and with red wine on my jeans – a result of bumping the wire garden-table a bit much, we craved something sweet and disappeared off to the awesome wakaberry to cleanse our palates with some frozen yoghurts.

What a fun night in an alley. Can’t say that too often with innocence.

Just a little bit HUGE!
Just a little bit HUGE!

ps. I realise the bridesmaid was the bridesmaid over four years ago. She is still though, the bridesmaid.


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