I knew it was coming. It had to be. It had been a while since I last had heard it. It just came from somewhere I hadn’t expected, or perhaps – I hadn’t given enough thought to recently. Even though I should be prepared for it by now, it still jolted me. The way it always does.
The trigger for the happy-sad dance. The confusing emotion of pure elation and joy for the friend saying it, combined with the gut-wrenching grief for something I may never know.
These days the announcement usually comes with some level of sympathy, awkwardness, or head tilt from the person delivering it. However this may possibly be the worst part. This is a happy day. This is your day. Don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t cock your head and shrug, and say words of encouragement to me on this, “YOUR” day. The “you get to laugh and dance and yelp with joy” day. Don’t be sad for me on this day.
Its the saddest part of the happy-sad dance. The fact that while I’m doing it (discreetly mostly), so is the friend who is telling me. Because she is, after all, happy. Except for me. She’s sad for me as I’m sad for me too. But no-one needs that when they’re happy. And so.. I pull further away from the friends I once could relate to. Who now seem so foreign to me.
And I do my lonely happy-sad dance.