So.. you want to detox?

So you want to detox?

You sure about that? Even given there’s this Detox myth article and in full knowledge that haters, are going to hate (its like how we feel about Cross Fit most the time). Even after you read my Detox day 1 & 2, plus the terrible day 3? (day 4 and 5’s review will probably sell you on it though.)

If even after all that, you still want to detox (and I’m not saying you shouldn’t) then you should probably read this.

1. Take the damn panado.
Don’t be a hero. Unless you’re trying to detox yourself from all the bad antibiotics and medicine you’ve been on lately – just take the panado and get over your headache.

2. You will lose weight.
You aren’t eating solids damnit. Its going to happen. And you’ll feel bloody marvellous for it. I lost 3,1kgs. It was the best moment stepping on the scale and being below target weight. If you’re obsessed with the scale or feel that you need to achieve the number. Do a detox, and you will.

3. You will put some of the weight back on.
The point is, you lost it. Now be healthy and keep it off. Depending on your reason for detox (and lets all be honest for a second – mostly its to ‘kick-start’ being a skinny bitch for summer) – your detox gives you that. Some willpower to say no to things you used to say yes to. And control over what is going past your lips and straight to your hips. Or thighs. Or boobs. Or tummy. Or ass. Or whatever your painpoint is.

4. You won’t land up with the Slave for you Abs.
Only cardio and core training will give you that. But go back to point 2. So that’ll make you feel good all the same.

Life goals
Life goals

5. Don’t eat the avo.
Or the banana. You don’t need it. Its called cheating because it is. You CAN do this. (Make sure you have someone on your team who uses whatever tactic works for you. For me: Reverse psychology. I was told daily, hourly even, to eat the damn avo and shut up. I didn’t eat the avo).

6. You’ll get addicted to the juices.
Don’t believe me? Take a look at my timeline – I’m on my second box of ‘lifestyle’ juices. They are the most convenient lunches and breakfasts in the world. You’ll also eat cucumber again. People will think you crazy that you’re ‘still juicing’. But you’ll know that the juiced courgette is even Professor Tim friendly. Everyone wins. (don’t tell him about the carrot and orange juice though).

7. You can eat whatever you want the day before and whatever you want the day after.
Your stomach will not freak out. I have a stomach that freaks out as soon as I touch down in Thailand (or Egypt. Or South America. It freaks out just with cabin pressure). My stomach was fine before, during and after the detox. Yours will be too. (it is truly fascinating how many people asked me about this point. Its equally gross to answer them.)

8. You won’t want to eat whatever you thought you wanted to eat once you’re done.
Deal with it. You’ll never be able to innocently shove french fries, speckled eggs or a pizza into your mouth without some form of guilt (yes…more than before). You think you want to detox? Be prepared for this part. The detox is good for you. You feel better afterwards. The truth is, you suddenly want your body to be clean on the inside. (But I reckon, with a hangover – you’ll eat anything again.) It took me 5 days to drink a coffee, and I sipped wine like it was glass shards. I was nervous to eat a solid meal. Look, I got over all that silliness, but I still want my insides to be cleaner than before.

9. You’ll realise what emotional food crutches are (bad day – hand me the chocolate. Work stress – pass me the wine).
You’ll face them. Deal with them. And then ask someone if there’s a chocolate and wine pairing later? The erhm… “damage” to how you lived your life before isn’t permanent on this one. Emotional food crutches exist, and no-one is taking my chocolate away from me after a hectic day. I just don’t smash the full slab. In fact, I’m a one-block-70%-lindt girl now. (Right?)

10. You’ll realise what your food habits are.
The coffee on the way in to the office. The tea break at 4pm. Acknoweldge and accept that life is short – you should enjoy some things. My coffee genuinely makes me happy. I know I don’t need it. I know I like it. I know I want it. And so I have it. The biscuit when I get home from work. I don’t need, or want that. That’s a habit that is no longer.

11. You’ll tell people about your juicing.
Your detox. Your lifestyle choices. You’ll basically become one of those annoying cross fit people but without doing those stupid WODs.

Yes. There are 11 Points to this post. Because 10 is just too perfect. And I’m a bit anti-perfection at the moment. But that rant (err.. post, you know its coming) is for another day.

If you’re going to Juice, I recommend Juice Revolution… mostly because Fiona is pretty cool and super supportive. But also because the juices weren’t all that bad. Apple & cinnamon treats that I wish I could recreate before bedtime honestly get you through the five days of hell. I mean detox. Strength and character-building hellish detox.


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