1 November 2015
While some held their heads from the boozy friend filled afternoon we just had, and others held their head at the sounds of the Sunday blues Carte Blanche music (and some may not have even known it was Sunday at all). I held my head into a pillow and cried.
I’m not going to get graphic, because I don’t do graphic here (I do direct, I do honest. I don’t do graphic), but something happened that gave me reason to believe my pregnancy was ending. That a few days shy of the 10 week mark and just 2 and a half weeks from being out of the ‘risky zone’. I thought our spidey monkey had let go.
It was tragic.
In fact. It was traumatic.
The array of emotions that swept over me in one evening. The complete loss of control. The complete belief that my thoughts (which had included ‘damn the timing of this falling pregnant really does suck – as I made motions to cancel my overseas holiday, or ‘I really can’t do this’ – as I explained to someone how I was coping with the morning sickness. Which should also just be called the longest fucking hangover of your entire life) had done this. My thoughts made the little jelly tot inside let go.
I know factually this isn’t and can’t be the case. That miscarriages are a result of genetic deformations. The baby aborts itself as its no longer a viable pregnancy.
But really. After 5 years of wanting something. After five years of also saying ‘if only I could just know what it was like to at least fall pregnant’, I was pretty sure this was going to be just another failure in our quest for parenthood.
It was scary.
There is nothing rushing to a hospital can do. And so I waited till morning. Where I would be scanned and I would cry (sob!) while I heard our 27,5mm baby’s heartbeat galloping along – fast and strong.
That fear of losing something that I don’t quite have yet or at all was huge.
“Some of us say we’d rather have something than absolutely nothing, but the truth is, to have it halfway is hard than not having it at all”
Its a great quote. Its by Meredith Grey who isn’t even a real person. But its still a great quote. Hopefully I don’t just get to have this half way and in fact, I get to have it all the way. Hopefully it gets to change my life in all the ways it should, and in all the ways I can’t even start to wrap my head around. Hopefully.